Will it end?

2012. Doesn't seem like a good year.

My father seemed to be getting sicker. Admitted to A&E recently.

Concerned about his health. Much as he is in pain, he also didn't want anyone of us to worry. And that's worrying. Coz I really do not know how he is feeling. Could only pray for a clearer diagnosis from the cardiologist on coming Monday.

My work is not going smoothly. In fact it's terrible. Feels like I'm struck in a endless pit. Everyday I'm numb to the work handled to me. Seem like the world outside is going in a flash, with technotronic colors whilst I'm stuck behind my desk, panicky.

Don't ask me why but this feeling of uncertainty, unsettlement has been with me ever since I took up the new job. Did I came out of the fire and jumped into another hell hole too soon? Everyone was telling me the company is good, with great monetary benefits. Of coz I have yet to see any monetary gains from my side. All I remember was when I wanted to go off urgently to attend to my dad who was in great distress at home, I was questioned "Why?"

I have no answer and stared blankly at my superior, trying to blink away tears that had gathered at the edges of my eyes. I was being too emotional. Images from 4years ago filled my mind, of how much pain he was when he had his first heart-bypass, implications that followed after his operations, the time and effort to nurse him back to health. We were always treading around my dad, attentive and scared. When my mum called me this morning and said,"he's in great pain, " the images, memories came gushing into my mind, no matter how much I wanted to block them.

I seemed like a idiot, tearing like a fool when all my superior was asking me "why". I had no answer, I nearly choked on the lump that was forming steadily in my throat. In the end, he said, "just go"

Much as I was grateful towards him, I don't deny I sensed a bit of unwillingness and coldness in his tone. Perhaps that is him and how he communicated with me.

Was thinking hard for the past few days, I might make a decision real soon. I do not want to sacrifice my family for monetary benefits. For all the OT, I'm required to clock in, I started to drift a bit further from my personal life. I have to plan for my own family and I do not think I have the energy to push as much sales as possible. I don't even have the drive to entertain people now.

I want to bake and cook for my partner, accompany my parents to overseas trips, become more homely and spend time with my loved ones. Or have I become boring instead? All I could think of nowadays was accompanying my dad to doctor appointments and making sure I'm on track for the development of my new house.

Perhaps I'm indeed boring to begin with. Perhaps I'm tired with telling the world I still can cheong but all I wanna do is chill in my room...

Yeah I think that's what I wanna do now....