New Beginnings

Totally dig this song man! Dream Catch Me Everytime I close my eyes, it's you And I know now who I am Yeah yeah yeah And I know now There's a place I go when I'm alone Do anything I want, be anyone I wanna be But it is us I see and I cannot believe I'm falling That's where I'm going, where are you going? Hold it close, won't let this go Dream, catch me, yeah Dream, catch me when I fall Or else I won't come back at all You do so much but you don't know it's true And I know now who I am Yeah, yeah, yeah And I know now There's a place I go when I'm alone Do anything I want, be anyone I wanna be But it is us I see and I cannot believe I'm falling That's where I'm going, where are you going? Hold it close, won't let this go Dream, catch me yeah Dream, catch me when I fall Or else I won't come back at all I see you as a mountain, a fountain of God See you as a descant soul in the setting sun You as a sound just as silent as none I'm yours There's a place I go when I'm alone Do anything I want, be anyone I wanna be But it is us I see and I cannot believe I'm falling That's where I'm going, where are you going? Hold it close, won't let this go Dream, catch me, yeah Dream, catch me when I fall Or else I won't come back at all

Stupidity

Stupidity had really clouded my judgement and made me lose my mind.
Where had I gone so wrong that I could not even recognise myself now?
What had I succumbed to that made me less humane now?

I fear. I fear the path ahead. I fear myself. I fear the lies I told, to convince people I am alright.
I fear the lies I told myself too.
What a load of BS!
I cower in the face of uncertainty, I weep at my stupidity.
Like a prayer before bed, I tell myself every night, "This is my cross to bear"
And I lie wide awake in the darkness, letting old memories swarm over me.

I hate my stupidity. I hate my weakness.
I hate the excuses I gave just to wallow in this hole.
I hate this deceit that he gave me, this deceit I gave myself too.
My holding on, a weakness, a joke even....

Life as it is...

Sometimes I think I am ready, ready to move on
And yet tiny little things, events, places brought me back to the reality why I fell so hard...

Was listening to a song and I slowly teared..
The heart is in pain but the worst part is, I gotta deny myself that kind of pain
Or else I could not move on...

The feeling of crying felt so good, so real,so weak that I hated myself
I wish all was just a nightmare which when I wake up, he will still be by my side.
How foolish to cry and convince myself such illusions!

How painful the heart weep and strangled itself in the past memories...

19 March 2011

A Friday without a night of drinks, dancing.. A first since January this year...
Eversince I know him, we had been going out weekly, on Fridays for our drinks, movies, dancing ..

It has been two weeks (or more, I can't bear to remember the dates anymore) since I last saw him.
I miss him....
I don't think he remember me.
I hope he does.
Coz I miss him....

ANGELS OR DEMONS
(by Dishwalla)

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time - I will fall
Into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that make us cold

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Still I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

If I was to give in - give it up and then
Take a breath - make it deep
Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one
That could make us cold
You know that could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

I Cry

I cry coz I feel
I cry coz I remember
I cry coz I know
I cry coz I love

I cried when you walk away from me
I cried when I couldn't bear without you
I cried when I know it was not meant to last
I cried when I lost your love

I still cry in the middle of the night
I still cry when I hear the songs that remind me of you
I still cry when I gotta admit you're not coming home anymore
I still cry when I'm all alone

Closure

A love that does not exist anymore, why am I still holding on?
A love that was once perfect to me, has only wasted to bittersweet memories
A love built on pure ignorance, grew jaded from life's realities.
A love that allowed itself to be crushed by pride could not survive.
A love that is surrounded by doubts and insecurities, is that "Love'?

Perhaps I had said some things that hurt you.
Yet what you don't know is you chose to hurt me more.
In the past , I didn't want you to see my vulnerable side,
I didn't want you to know I was afraid and insecure of losing you.
All this while, you wanted me to be happy but silly me always claimed I could not feel your love.
I masked my insecurities thinking I can be strong.
By assuming I was strong, stronger than you, I could take on us, take on your love and you....

Yet I had not expected my front caused you to run from me.
I didn't know my so-called strength was causing a rift between us.
We just quarrelled without any meaning or reason to..
My stubborness, your ego were the weapons in this battle with each other.
And how I fought together with my stupidity, refusing to step down from the warzone.
You fought with a weariness that manifested with each bicker, quarrel and fight.

You became dubious of your love whilst I grew more needy.
I pained for you to hold me every night and whispered "Everything's gonna be alright" Even after our fights, I just want to cry in your arms and apologise for my wanton pride.
I just want you to hold and forgive me but you shut me off.
As strips of my facade started to peel, you got more confused.
Am I really what I am protraying and what did I protray to you?!

Now, you made your choice, which you wanted me to accept as my choice too.
I couldn't, I never will but my pleas were useless to you...
You decide to be free, free from my needy bounds, whilst I stay handcuffed to our past memories.
You walk away with your head high but I'm crushed by the wrongs of our love.

My dreams and aspirations were suspended in that surreal world where I make believe you are still by my side.
My laughter and joy hide behind closed doors which you took the keys as you walked away from me.
My composure, desolate and weak, shows signs of crumpling behind a new facade of smiles to anyone and everyone...

How I wish our time together could been reversed.
How I wish I could stripped my false front and laid bare to you...
How I wish I could let you count on me and me unto you.
How I wish you could hold my hand and whisper "Everything's gonna be alright"
How I wish you can come back to me....