No Apologies....

There are some reasons to explain my absence. For once, is there a need to explain myself?! Do you people care?! Do I care?! NAhhhhh.... oh well, I 'd would do it coz the site seems so pathetic.

1. I was caught by cute little green men with discular transportation while out walking my pet mouse. They had insisted I stayed over for tea. By the time I got back, months had passed....

2. I was having a sereve bout of PMS. I couldn't get out of the bed. I didn't feel like getting out of the bed. And who you 're calling FAT?! You cheap insensitive freaking B@*#~@D!!!

3. Pre and post World Cup Fever gave me the ability to stare at screens for prolonged periods of time. Which I meant by staring ONLY, not typing... Which meant I could look at the pc for ages without doing anything.....

4. Torrent rains, landslides, air crashes, the bombing, the freak melting of ice mountains, unsuccessful talks between presidents made affected me. I'm a neurotic, you know....

5. I'm still shocked by the last season of American Idol, how could they let an old man with a raspy dry voice win?! Time is better spent on petitioning for Simon to reconsider the verdict.....

6. Blogger.com is a bit passe.

7. Okies, I take that back.. Hehe... Actually the site lags so by the time I wanna post something, my toenails had grown an inch.

8. Look, I juz had no mood to blog okay?! Dang!!!

In Limbo......

The little princess was all naive and innocent. She had expected the whole world to bow down to her every expectation. She was demanding yet pitifully endearing. She was unreasonable yet enchanting enough to let people eat out of her hands. Yet she couldn't withstand the power of the heart....
She was in love. In love with a stranger. Someone whom she didn't know quite well but she had fallen head over heels. It was dangerous. It was exciting. The feeling of another person's warmth so close to her, was something she had always craved for. Being the little princess she was, her parents had always yielded to her needs and wants. Being the little princess, she was always surrounded by people whom she didn't know the names of. She juz knew they were there, some part in her life. She was lonely. Poignantly lonesome. She had always wanted someone who truly cares for her instead of showering her on her wants. What she had needed was not fulfilled. She need him now.
She needed the perfect stranger. A person so captivating, she lost her cool. A person so beguiling, she lost her senses. The stranger was on her mind every waking second, the stranger was in her prayers every passing moment. The stranger was there, all in her heart. Obviously he didn't know nor cared. To him, she was juz another spolit brat, nothing else. A challenge to him, maybe..... She had put all her plans on hold juz to meet him. She broke dates with her audience juz to accompany him. She couldn't eat nor sleep without wondering what was the stranger doing at the exact moment. She was lovelorn.
Little princess was all high and mighty. Little princess was all stubbornness. She was headstrong in believing that love is everything in this world. She believed that her love could and would change the perfect stranger around. She believed the stranger would settle down for her sake. She would never expected....



End of Part I.........

I have nothing to say. Wait... I have something to say.
Nah.... I dun feel like saying anythin. Yet my heart is saying something.
A voice so soft I can't hear anything.
I have something to say. Wait... I can't be bothered to say anything.
Somethings juz ain't meant to be said. But I can talk 'bout anything.
Nothing is too dull.
I have something to say. My something doesn't arouse anything of interest.
So it's better I say nothing. Anything seems stupid but it sure beats boring nothing.
Something is making me unfocused but I can't pin it down to anything.
Anything is vague but the something is unknown.
I have nothing to say. Do I need to express something out?
Nothing to prove, anything to say?
Think I'd better do something regarding my anything or else there would be nothing.....



Dun mind me, it's one of those periods that I mumble out loud....
Day 2 of waiting......
Waiting for my letter.
I hope it comes.
I hope to continue my studies...
Please send it to me....

Hibernation

For the past few days, I ain't had been too well. Kinda bogged down by my cough, my mood swings had been turbulent. I juz dunno why. Maybe had been affected by one of my friends, C. We went to this club together with his friends whom I didn't know any of them. He kinda accused me of being overly flirtatious with his friends. We kinda had an disagreement over it. My stand was I was juz being sociable. I am not those kinda wall flowers that turned at a party and desperately cling on walls for cover nor protection. He maimed that I didn't respect him(?!) We left the argument hanging. He kinda avoided my calls and I was too tired to apologize any more.

Couldn't sleep thru the weekend. Was kinda hurt that I had been misunderstood. My buddy, Unclez tried to anaylse my situation. It kinda dawned upon me that I had liked C, you know those more than a friend kinda feelings. Otherwise I wouldn't be so crappy about the whole situation. Darnz.... Unclez laughed at my inability to be truthful about my feelings. Yeah it cost me a friendship with C. He avoids me now even online. Yeahz... Yeahz....

Mummy had made a lot of dumplings for the upcoming Dumpling Festival (or watever) I wasn't in any mood to appreciate them. She kept quiet when I told her that I wasn't feeling well. Holed myself in the room the whole of Sunday, except I had a 2hour break outdoors with Unclez, drinking my favourite iced milk tea, smoking and discussing 'bout my moods. Bless the old soul, Unclez was trying to be nice in comforting me but apparently, I still dunno what is going on inside me. I feel like taking a break away, away from here. Somewhere idyllic, somewhere serene would be nice..... Somewhere to soothe my confused soul...

Belief

What do you believe in?
Had watched the Da Vinci Code. There's this question that set me thinking. Never a religious person, ain't gonna talk 'bout religions here. Yet I find this question very intriguing. Couldn't sleep after the show not because I felt cheated of my whole ten bucks. The show sucks big time but this question set my mind working.
Belief is a strong emotion. With belief, there's trust. From trust, it develops into confidence. With confidence, one can overcome any obstacle. Yet 1st of all, one must believe....

I believed in Santa Claus a long time ago. Every year, I believed Mr Claus had been hardworking coz I did get what I want. Yet he came in the form of a nerdy skinny guy who always wear striped polo tops, turning up at my doorstep claiming Father Claus was too busy to come to this side of the globe, so that was why my cousin had to take his place instead. After I turned eight, it suddenly dawned on me that there wasn't chimneys in HDBs and that I had cheated in my spelling test once, yet I still gotten my Carebear soft toy. A yellow Sunshine bear that brings joy to people around him...
I felt Father Claus had been slacking in his research studies on disciplinary conduct or he could simply be biased. Which means other bad children could still be getting presents yearly whereas the good ones could have been missed out. Plus the fact that my cousin turning up in weird colored striped polos was getting on my nerves. He didn't looked much like a Santa elf. I forced my cousin to tell me the bittter truth about the presents. My heart was broken when I knew Father Claus could juz be a myth on this world. I stopped believing in him....

I believed in my dad when he promised me a car if only I pass my driving license. I booked myself down for as many pratical lessons as I could afford. Failing 3 times, I had never given up. I wanted a car. A cute little white Beetle with black roof.... My elder bro was sniggering at my inability to reverse park properly. Of coz Mr Talented had passed all his theory, practical tests for both bike and car license at the 1st try. He couldn't believe his sis was such a dumb ass who couldn't tell the wheel direction from the turning of the steering wheel. My failure was embrassing enough, not to mention it put a huge hole in my pocket. Working part-time then, I was investing all my earnings on the lessons.
On the morning of my 4th attempt of the driving test, my dad was rather convincing. He said a car would be ready with a gigantic purple bow to welcome me home if only I had my driving license in hand...I nearly cried when the test was over and my instructor congratulated me, requesting for all necessary documents to process my license. I bet my instructor had sighed relief that his weakest student had finally passed. (Heh) I was grinning all the way home. Bursting thru the main door, I went straight to my dad. I was shattered to know his promise had all along merely been a form of encouragement for me. I believed his promise would be fulfiled so that was why I had wanted to work hard. I couldn't forgive the lie but I don't deny it gave me the strength and faith to carry on. Oh by the way, my dad still refuses to let me drive his car for fear that I would wreck it ... (hehehe)

I believed in a man once. We were happy together. I believed he would be the father of my children. I believed we would grow old, holding hands strolling in the park with all the grandchildren around us. As time passed, it took more than a belief to keep the relationship going. I found myself eating alone, doing the household chores alone, walking the dog alone, sleeping alone. It's as if i was in a relationship with myself. One thing for sure, I was not alone when it came to picking fights. He couldn't stand me when I nag, I was displeased with his selfishness in maintaining the relationship.
My belief diminished. Disappointment took over the place of belief and slowly resentment settled in. I didn't want to believe anymore. Especially not in him nor in myself. I was too tired to believe, to have faith, to over come any obstacles. I stopped seeing him. Yet with my disbelief, it kinda made me stronger. I was abled to live alone without him,(itwas what I had done in the past mah...) I had my own life back, enjoying the things I had done before. I believed one good thing had come out from our relationship was it had made me tougher.....


Belief is juz a word yet it is everything within oneself. Inside a beating heart, a moving soul. Belief is something one has a choice over. Believe in yourself before you believe in others...

My Darling

I met my precious darling for coffee a few days ago. He was wearing a watch. A new one to be precise. He had never liked wearing watches, he thinks it's a restriction on his movements.
I asked where he gotten the thing. And his reply was a present from someone, D.
Eh?! Images of her flashed thru my mind immediately. During our last drinking outing at the local pub, she was present also. A demure sweet lady who didn't talked much.
"We're dating." My darling informed me matter of factly.
I nearly choked on my glass of chilled milk. My darling was bemused. He enquired my views on his relationship.
"Eh?! Baka desu sho?! It's between you and her so how would I know?!"
I turned and wiped my mouth with a napkin, hiding my feelings from him.
"I juz thought maybe you might have some opinions." He smiled sweetly and drank his Coke all in one gulp.
"Don't drink so much gassy....." I couldn't complete my sentence. Here I am, trying to be matriarchly again, telling him what to and what not to do.. My darling wasn't listening, he was staring out of the window; mumbling something. I realised that he was talking to me, telling me how happy he is being around with D. The strong emotions he has towards her.. Blah.. Blah...
I stared at the glass of milk broodily, I really wanted a drink but I don't wanna be the first person to choke to death on milk. I shifted my attention on my darling instead, trying to concentrate on the conversation. Somehow my mind went back to the past memories.
The days when we used to hang out together, sharing gossips and little tidbits of our lives. I taught my darling to woo girls and he taught me how to be more understanding towards my man. We played pool, he could easily drank me under the table anytime, and I had to drag him home forcibly. He held my hand when I cried over my break up with my partner. He solemnly promised to stay by my side forever while I, in an angry state, swore off all men.
We shared our dreams of leaving Singapore someday and settling in an unfamiliar environment. A challenge we both want to conquer. My darling also wants to earn his first million by the age of 30. I want to spend his first million by age of 32. He wants to explore as many countries as possible, I volunteered to buy all the Lonely Planet books. He can whip up a mean creamy mushroom spaghetti, I can finish it in 5 mouthfuls.... I always assumed he would be contented by my side. We had been seeking each other's company whenever we are down. Going for dinner, smoke breaks, drinking sessions, clubbing a couple of times and JB shopping trips. No movies dates, that's all.
"That's for pathetic couples who don't have any other places to go!" He declared in disgust, he would rather spend our time talking over drinks....

"So have you watched any movies with D?" I interrupted my darling.
"Yeah, basically all the latest blockbusters..." He answered nonchalently.
"Even MI 3?"
"Yeah.."
Dang... I think I'm the last person on this world not to have watched it yet. My darling was still going on about his happy relationship. I was starting to get a case of sour grapes. I wondered about our monthly rituals at the local pub, our dinner dates on Mondays if he could get off work on time, our 15min update sessions on susequent nights...
"Eh? Why do you keep D a secret from me for so long?"
"It's actually a surprise for you. I was thinking of introducing to you on my birthday but there might be changes.."
"Oh, your birthday is coming so what's the plan?" I asked.
"I'm going away for a short trip with D to Bintan." he smiled.
I was stunned beyond words. For the past 25yr, my darling had never let me missed his birthday celebrations. I was always with him. When young, we blew out the candles together on his cake. In our teenage years of being defiant, we sneaked the adults' liquor and drank ourselves silly on Bailey's. Post birthday present would be a sound beating from the parents.
As we grew older, the two of us juz toned down. His birthday treat from me would always be a steak dinner. His favourite. And this year, he's going away....

"I think I'm really happy with her..." I caught my darling's last sentence. He was looking at me, waiting for something. My comment?! Eh?! I was caught dreaming off guarded! I looked at my darling. A confident young man, full of dreams to take on the world. And happily in love...
I shook away my thoughts and focused on him.
"Do you like her? I hope you two can get on well..." He said timidly.
"Of coz I do... She's nice.. You're happy and that's the most important.."
"But.. I will not have time for you..."
"Don't be such a wimp! As long as the two of you are getting along fine, I can always find others for company.. I'm your sister remember? I'm tougher than you think!"
"I'm really glad to hear that.."
A wide grin broke out on his face, making him all the more adorable, juz like a young kid who had gotten his first Lego set.
"I hope you will find a partner soon, Sis. So that we can go on couple dates...." My darling brother said dreamily and stared out of the window again.

This time I really choked on the milk....

Blogging...

Finally I gotten myself another blogsite. Crystaldewgems is slightly different from Afternoon High Tea. A.H.T is a collection of my own crappy poetry and lyrics to my favourite songs. In Crystaldewgems, one can see more of what's going on in my mind, in my heart regarding concurrent affairs. Juz my two cents worth I guess...
I like to write... Like to express myself. Sometimes, after a period of time, I would always go back to my past blogs and reread. It's good to reread what I had wrote. A kinda memory trail where I always end up bemused. Those emotions, those situations I had gotten myself into, those live and let die attitudes... I am such a crazy person... In a sense it's like getting in touch with the past.
Somehow my friends always have a couple of comments on what I write.
"Write something which will definitely grab attention."
"Something scandalous, something juicy..."
"Give the audience what they want!"
To that sense, I'm not from the paparazzi out to get a scope on anyone ( as if I care!) nor a attention whore wanting a 5 sec shot to fame.... By the way, how many people do actually bother to read other strangers' blogs?!
" That is why you must write about hot topics which will guranteed hits!"
" Money... ways to make money and sex!!! Yesss... I will read that!" (Geez....)
I don't want my blog site to be really congested with hits, I write coz I like to...

Moreover if I really know how to make money in a certain timeframe, I bet I would not be here, having this kinda conversation with my friends. I would be in sunny beaches of Maritius, chilling out with cooling peppermint drinks. Next stop would be jetting off to wonderful oh so romantic Paris and shop til I drop... Blogging?! Nah... who cares when I"m rich... Yeah if only I know to make money...
Plus the fact I have been single for nearly 2years,and only had 3 serious boyfriends in my whole lifetime, I don't think I qualified to talk about sex either. I detest romance novels... Steamy crap trash ain't my kinda thing.. Sorry to all those Sidney Sheldon fans but NO!!!!! That's not reality.
Call me a prude but making love is sacred. A personal experience, I can't imagine there's words to describe it....
" Like that.... There goes half of your readers, man!"
"No sex, no money, no hits..."
" Eeks so boring!!! No sex!!"
"I don't feel like reading too..."
Gotta defend myself now, being pelted with loud objections..
"I write what I like... Ain't none of your concern.."
"I wanna be your critic!"
"As a critic, I'm supposed to inflence you. And as a reader, I'm supposed to read what is the latest..."
" More money, more sex...."
"But but... I don't remember asking you guys to be my critcis...."
"We do it voluntary.... So more money topics and sex please..."
"......"



Guys, anyone know how to kill a guy and escape from the death sentence?! Am considering to finish off some blabbermouths in my life...

Recently...

I haven't seen him for quite some time now. We used to be close, we used to hang out together.
I feel so comfortable in his company. I feel silly at times when I'm making lame jokes. I feel mean when I bicker with him, teasing him to death. I feel electricified whenever his shoulder brush against mine. I feel myself getting more and more drawn to him.
Yet he doesn't know. I thought of him whenever I get a single moment to myself. I listen to the songs he likes, I watch the tv programs he watches.... But it doesn't help. We are not an item.
He had never thought of me, he had never texted me on my mobile.
My buddy objected to my growing crush.
"It's unhealthy!!!! It's a waste of time!!! It's SO obvious he don't have any attraction towards you!!!"
She always likes to make a big fuss out of nothing.. Kinda killed my mood, my hopes.
I was always the one calling him, texting him, talking to him on msn. I stopped on my expert's advice. It was pretty hard initally. I feel empty, as if I had left something unfinished at the end of the day. The first night, I couldn't sleep... I was really wishing he would text me... But none ever came. I had thought too highly of myself then. I blocked him on msn now. I know he's there online, chatting with other people.
A crush gone wrong? A one sided attraction with no ending....
I busied myself with reading in the daytime and blading at night. Juz to get him off my mind. Going for coffee with my friends, playing pool but always at the end of the day... My mind would run back to him.. I miss him. I wonder how was his day,how is he getting on by now... Did I ever cross his mind....?
Life goes on.... I still carry a piece of him in my memories. Ain't nothing fantastic but at the very least, I would say he had appeared in my life and somehow touched me in a way, some others couldn't...